Friendship

In UiTM now i have a very close friend that i can call my bestfriend.
somehow, we always walk together because for some reason, we get into the same class,
get into the sme group in KOKU and our room, are just in front of each other's room..
lucky right? haha.. thats what i thought too...

she's a sweet girl...
she understands people, warm, caring, supportive, responsible, and deligent.
she have this hobby of learning about psycology and characteristic of people based on their horoscope, birth and others...
it good since she understand me and others...
but somehow i feel like my existance in my other friends heart are merely because of her...
if its not because of her, i'm just a nobody...
who is hated by everybody...

my problem is not with her. instead, my problems are with myself...
why is everything that i do seems wrong to her?
why?
i'm born to be a second child in my family..
based on the spycology research, a second child is very rebellious.
so there's a lot of negative charcteristics i suppose to have naturally...
its true, i have a lot of negative characteristics..

im loud, rushing, insensitive, selfish, talkative, hard headed, rude, proud, and many more that i dont even wanna say here..

it seems to me like she do not like and not comfortable with me whenever we are together alone..
she talk less with me.. and she gets angry fast... and when she's angry, she went silent and her face change into an emotionless face. i dislike that so much...
as a friend, all i want is to see my friends smile... but when i realize that i am the reason for her to sulk..
i feel bad.
i feel like i wanna avoid her.. because she looks happy that way...

i have this habit off mine too..
i always say that i hate them if i love them.. haha..
my mom, brother, and even her..
when i talk, it'll end up like "haha.. benci (name) !"
and lately, i've always talk like that to her..
so people always misunderstand me...
i hate myself for not being honest to my own self..

i'm sorry if i suddently back away from her since from what i see,
she already comfortable with some other friend of mine..

with love from deep dowm of my heart, izzah.